Why do you keep repeating patterns that hurt you?

Sometimes you know perfectly well what you never want to live through again. And yet you end up in a similar situation once more.

You change partners, but the same conflict comes back.

You change jobs, but you feel once again that you are not enough.

You promise yourself that this time you will react differently, but in certain circumstances the same response appears.

And you ask yourself:

Why does the same thing always happen to me?

Repetition is not always a conscious decision

Our behaviour is shaped by learning, experiences, expectations and habits.

When we respond in a certain way again and again to similar situations, that response can become more and more automatic.

That doesn't mean every problem has a single cause, or that we are doomed to repeat our history.

It means that some learned responses can keep running even when they no longer serve us.

When the setting changes but the interpretation doesn't

Imagine you need to feel approved of by others.

In a relationship you constantly look for signs of affection. At work you need every effort to be recognised. Among friends you read any distance as a possible sign of rejection.

The settings are different.

But there may be a common element: the way your mind interprets your own worth.

As long as that mechanism goes unnoticed, every new situation can seem like a completely different problem.

Observe before you repeat

The first step is not to demand that you change immediately.

It is to discover what happens just before you react.

Ask yourself:

What has happened?

What meaning have I given it?

What emotion has appeared?

What response am I about to repeat?

This exercise doesn't automatically get rid of a habit. But it can help you recognise a sequence that used to happen without you even noticing.

From there you can practise a different response, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

You don't repeat your destiny. You repeat your mind.

This sentence doesn't mean you are responsible for everything that happens to you. There are external circumstances, injustices and events that don't depend on you.

It means that, within what you can influence, understanding your patterns can open up new possibilities.

You don't need to become a completely different person.

Perhaps you need to start recognising which part of your past is still interpreting your present.

Change begins when you stop reacting automatically and start observing.

A reflection by FJ. Manga, author of La vida que crees vivir.